Content note: this article discusses domestic abuse, coercive control and violence. If you're reading it in an unsafe situation, please use a private browser window, and know the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24/7 on 0808 2000 247.
One in four women in the UK will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime. Not one in a hundred. One in four. Which means it isn't happening somewhere far away to some other kind of woman — it's happening in our streets, our friendship groups and our families, often to women who look completely fine from the outside.
After recording our conversation with Hollie Dowding for Storme Diaries, I wanted to put together something practical. Not a lecture. Just the information I wish more women had before things got serious.
Abuse Isn't Always Physical
Most of us grew up with an image of what abuse looks like: shouting, bruises, something visible. But the majority of abusive relationships don't start there, and many never look like that at all.
Domestic abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, digital or physical — and usually it's several of those at once, building so gradually that you don't notice the shape of it until you're deep inside it.
What Coercive Control Actually Looks Like
Coercive control has been a criminal offence in England and Wales since 2015. It's a pattern of behaviour designed to make you smaller, more dependent and easier to manage. It can look like:
🤍 Constant checking — where you are, who you're with, why you took so long 🤍 Your money being "looked after" for you, or being made to account for every penny 🤍 Being made to feel stupid, dramatic or "too sensitive" whenever you raise something 🤍 Silent treatment, sulking or punishment after you see friends or family 🤍 Your friendships slowly disappearing until it's mostly just him 🤍 Being told what to wear, what to post, who to follow 🤍 Location tracking, reading your messages, demanding your passwords 🤍 Threats — to leave, to take the children, to tell people things about you 🤍 Being blamed for his anger: "look what you made me do" 🤍 Walking on eggshells to keep the house calm
“"You don't need bruises to be in an abusive relationship. If you're managing his moods to stay safe, that's already the answer."
The Question That Cuts Through It
If you're not sure whether what you're experiencing counts, try this one: am I changing my behaviour to avoid his reaction?
If you're editing what you say, hiding receipts, deleting messages, cancelling plans, or rehearsing conversations in your head before you have them — that's fear. And fear doesn't belong in love.
Why Women Stay (And Why It's Never Weakness)
People who've never lived it ask "why didn't she just leave?" as though the door was always open. It rarely is.
Women stay because of children, money, housing, immigration status, shame, faith, family pressure, love for the person he used to be, and the very real fact that leaving is the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship. On average it takes seven attempts to leave for good. Seven. That's not weakness — that's how deliberately these situations are built.
If This Is You: Small, Safe First Steps
🤍 Tell one person. A friend, your GP, a midwife, your HR team. It doesn't have to be the police yet. 🤍 Call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 — free, 24/7, confidential, and it won't appear on your itemised bill. 🤍 Keep a private record: dates, what happened, screenshots, photographs. Store it somewhere he can't reach — a friend's house, a locked cloud account he doesn't know about. 🤍 Have a bag somewhere safe with ID, bank cards, medication, spare keys and copies of documents. 🤍 Agree a code word with someone you trust so you can signal you need help without explaining. 🤍 If you're in immediate danger, call 999. If you can't speak, dial 999, then press 55 when prompted and the call is transferred to police. 🤍 Ask about a domestic abuse advocate (IDVA) — they can help with housing, court and safety planning, and it's free.
You don't need evidence, certainty, or a story dramatic enough to justify asking. "Something doesn't feel right" is a good enough reason to talk to someone.
If It's Your Friend: How To Actually Help
The hardest truth about abuse is that the person living it often can't be the one to reach out first — isolation is the whole point of it. So we reach in.
🤍 Say the simple thing: "I'm here, no judgement, whenever you want." Then say it again in a month. 🤍 Believe her the first time. Don't ask for proof. 🤍 Don't give ultimatums or say "I'd never put up with that" — it just makes her hide more. 🤍 Don't confront him. It can escalate things dangerously fast. 🤍 Keep inviting her, even when she keeps saying no. 🤍 Offer practical things: childcare, a spare room, a lift, a phone charger, somewhere to store documents. 🤍 If she goes back, stay. Especially then.
“"People rarely leave the first time someone asks. But they always remember who asked."
Rebuilding Afterwards
Leaving isn't the end of it. There's the practical rebuild — housing, money, family court, co-parenting with someone who hurt you — and the quieter one, where you slowly learn to trust your own judgement again.
Therapy helps. Trauma-informed support helps more. And so does being around people who don't need you to perform being fine.
Where To Get Support
🤍 House of Her — Hollie's trauma-informed hub for women questioning their relationship, planning to leave or rebuilding afterwards: houseofherhub.com 🤍 National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge) — 0808 2000 247, free, 24/7 🤍 Women's Aid live chat and Survivors' Forum — womensaid.org.uk 🤍 Men's Advice Line — 0808 8010 327 🤍 Galop (LGBT+ domestic abuse) — 0800 999 5428 🤍 Emergency — 999, then press 55 if you can't speak
If you've read this and one particular woman came into your mind, message her today. Nothing heavy. Just, "thinking of you — coffee this week?"
You never know which small thing becomes the thing she holds onto.
Storme x